It's been a hot minute hasn't it?!! It wasn't my intention to skip a post two weeks in a row and I have zero excuses. I could say that it was because of all the projects I have that are coming to life and while that is true, it's not really the reason I haven't been writing. To tell the truth I've been a little stuck. Usually these posts flow like second nature when I sit down to write and lately I have found myself staring at my screen, following distraction after distraction and using any excuse possible to not do it. The thing is, this state of mind hasn't been exclusive to my writing. At first I didn't recognize what was going on as a big deal until about a week or so ago when it manifested physically. I went to bed feeling off balance and woke up extremely nauseous. I felt dizzy and I thought it may have been a blood sugar thing but the feeling persisted throughout the day and into the night. My stomach was spinnin' like a washing machine with a hefty amount of clothing inside. Sorry for that. Kind of. My body was literally rejecting things!! I did not change anything in my diet or come in contact with anyone who was sick so naturally I looked to my books for an answer. There is ample information on how connected our mind, body and souls are and usually when one isn't feeling tip top , the other two are not far behind. I looked for an explanation of my core symptoms from a spiritual stand point and right there in my face it said something like "Usually happens when dealing with rejection, fear and running". That whole week I had been talking about the ways in which I reject love, gifts, and help. This is something I have been working very hard at healing within myself. I didn't realize how deeply these beliefs ran until I became what I call "energetically sick".
I think it's fair to say that we have all brought things from our past relationships or beliefs into our present ones. When we walk away from a relationship with a new bag to carry such as paranoia, the inability to trust, fear of repetition etc. it can have a couple of things to happen. In my experience, I either work on releasing and unwinding the feeling or I carry it until I learn later on. That being said some people carry all their bags throughout every single relationship and that is a heavy weight to hold. In the case of the first two situations I find that usually something clicks in me and I realize that I don't need the fear/feeling anymore. That has happened both in and out of a relationship but for right now I want to talk about carrying the bag into a new relationship since I find it to be the more challenging way to learn or unlearn. I mentioned in the beginning that I have been working on rejecting love in certain forms and that is the bag I held onto, let go of, and picked up again. It's like that old purse at the back of the closet you just keep coming back to because it's comfortable. To be specific, receiving gifts (physically, in the form of help and in acts of service) is one of my BIG bags. In the past I have been given things and had them blow up in my face. Partners I have been with have been incredibly generous in the moment and later on wanted gifts back or held it over my head in an almost threatening way. This created a feeling of guilt that washes over me any time someone new wants to help me out or give me a gift. It can make me uncomfortable to the point where I will refuse and reject the gift harddd. Most of the people I have been with have had no idea about this because I don't think it really hit them why or what was going on. My theory is that because a good chunk of them have been less invested in the relationship and/or gangsters of sorts, they saw it as independence and if they were aware, they thought it'd be in my best interest to keep those blocks up. The rest, I am not entirely sure if they saw these blocks or not. I was aware but didn't pay it any attention, largely because I also thought it was just me being self sufficient and knowing that I could carry my own bags without any help and I could give myself gifts and love myself and help myself. Yes. I had mistaken this rejection and sadness for independence. Yipes.
One of the ways I show love for people is by gift giving and acts of service, funny right? I am a natural giver. Give, give, give, that's me! Had it not been for my current partner, I may have still been content with building this wall, ignoring it altogether and being blissfuly unaware that they were preventing me from fully embracing love. That isn't the case though. About a week or two ago when I was still super nauseous and unwell, my partner offered to take care of me which I declined and then they gifted me with a beautiful flower and a book that really speaks to me. I thanked them of course but felt so uncomfortable about it. I was so involved in my own feelings about the situation that when they pointed out how hard I had rejected them I said "I mean I get it, it's nice to get gifts but like I can buy myself this stuff so I don't really understand", ouch. Looking back now I cringe because of how ungrateful that sounds. They expressed that they were hurt by what I had said and I just sunk. I was so busy catering to my walls and making sure they knew I could do things on my own that I ended up hurting their feelings. As much as they understand that this is something I am still working on, I could tell I had truly upset them. Up until then we joked about this part of me but right there is when it came to me that this doesn't just stop me from receiving love, it blocks people from giving it to me. My feelings became tangled, I was running around my brain thinking about where this came from, if I carry it in every relationship or if it comes up in some more than others, and mostly how I allowed it to stay with me. Part way through this maze run my partner said in the most gentle of ways " you are going to push away the people who love you". I was in shock and as they put their head on my chest I started to cry. I would feel incomplete without the people who love me. I love them too! Hearing that was exactly what I needed in order to wake up and realize that I, the person who thought their walls were down, had in fact just been hiding them from myself. It seems that I have been temporarily putting them away in some of my past relationships because I have definitely been able to receive things from people. When I ask myself what people it's usually from people who have hurt me or who were checked out of our relationship.
The biggest of things is seeing why I started building this wall in the first place. There are many situations and reasons for it, mainly due to people holding these things over me. For example, being gifted something and then at a later point in time when I said that I was feeling unsupported, someone pointed at the gift they gave me and gives me a speech about how they bought me something and "how could I possibly feel that way" or having someone take care of me and then passive aggressively acting like it's too much even when they said it was fine. Those things stayed with me and sparked a fear of needing to rely on people. If I can do it myself then I will. Not because I don't like being loved or gifted but because it has hurt me in the past and I am afraid to trust that no one will do it again. My heart so freely gives love, pure, untainted, unjaded love. Love, it turns out, is not a one person show. If I don't accept it then there is no place for the other person's love to go and if I am loving but don't take care of the love that comes in my direction, it just sits or falls or goes away. It's kind of an act of being unkind to myself too. On the inside I have dreamt of having that connection with someone where I can be unwell, and have them take care of me. To trust someone so much that I accept their kind gestures and gifts with ease. This is work that I have to do with myself.
I've been doing my best to acknowledge that this block exists and become aware when I am pushing my partners love away. This will take time but I found that simply saying thank you and saying yes to the kind gestures has been a good start. I get uncomfortable but now I am able to see this and remind myself that unlearning old unhealthy blocks is important to my well being. Some cool things have come out of this though. My partner has been cooking for me lately (I have anxiety about food and my allergens and haven't let anyone cook for me in about a year), They have picked up last minute items on their way home when I was feeling gross from the smoke, I had them drive my dog and I to the vet which was wayyyy more convenient, and many other day to day things that feel so nice to have help with. I am extremely grateful to have such a patient and understanding partner because I know it isn't just hard for me.
In general, we have all experienced things in past relationships that have hurt us. Sometimes we pack those hurts up and carry them around as bags or use them to build a tower tall enough to keep present and future romantic partners at a safe distance. The thing is, those bags get heavy and hard to drag around all the time. Damn, I know people that hoard these bags like they are vintage purses! Holding on to all of it keeps us hurting and allows our scars to be a sign or pain rather than strength and survival. So whatever it is that you bring to your relationships, present or future, take a look at the luggage you have with curiosity and a brave face. There is no need to feel guilty about having these things because they are just leftover lessons from our past. Once you open them up and approach those blocks with love and kindness the "how" part of letting go will come. I encourage you to be unafraid of these blocks/reserves and of course, be unafraid of love. Your person, the one that has a lot to give you, will be able to see these bags and instead of running, help you unpack without stealing your clothes (taking the problems on themselves). That is a real treat let me tell ya!! For now, love and accept love freely!
Have an amazing weekend and please if you haven't yet, check out the podcast that Yukon and I have!!! It's called The Sunsquad Podcast and you can find us on Apple, Spotify, Stitcher, Anchor, Google Plays and a couple more that we have links to on our instagram!!! @thesunsquadpodcast leave us some feedback and let us know what you think!!!
Love and Light,