Hey cuppycakes,
That's cute right?! There's a group of people that I call "cakes" because they are so adorable and perfect and I want to eat them whole! This group consists of two people. I truly think everyone is a cake but these two people are saved in my phone with their first name and then their last name is cakes. These people had the sweetest and pure energy from the moment I met them and to this day I only sometimes talk to one of them. She is one of the kindest, giggling machines I have ever met and actually the first girl I recognized I had a crush on!! More on that in another post though. I thought that calling you all "cakes" would be a nice thing for today! I am really seeing a community form out of this space and it's nice to have all of you here and reading and following my adventures. I'm so grateful for the amazing people who have supported me and been with me through the dips, turns and ultimate highs that I go on and there's multiple quotes out there saying how you need to let your people know what they mean to you often. All of those and so much more have brought me here, to this post. Writing about the things in my life that I'm grateful for fills my heart and I've written previously about this practice here. This is far from the only time I will do something like this.
Everyone needs someone, and if you've been here a while you can see how my people have changed and how I have been growing in terms of allowing people to be there for me whether I need them or not. The truth is we can't do everything on our own no matter how independent or capable we think we are. There are some things that require assistance and that is ok! I am learning that needing help, accepting it and even embracing it is such a beautiful thing. In my mind I talk to myself a lot about how I don't know where I would be if I didn't have the supportive team of people I have now. That could sound dramatic but for where I have been in my world, it's true. I wouldn't be quite the same, I'd be someone else. Possibly not showering and unwell more often? Who really knows. My thing here is, human connection is wonderful and has so much to offer us and our healing, not only as individuals but as a society too. You are worthy of honest, loving, human connection. To the people who are by my side, sharing laughs and holding my hand through my ride, this one is for you.
To my best friend,
Thank you for being the catalyst of a special part of my healing. The part when I started to believe in myself and that I was not as dark of a person as I thought. When you came over last winter and told me I wasn't broken, it was everything to me. I was hurting for so long before and felt alone, afraid and as though it would take forever to be in full bloom. At first, those words stung. I did not feel ready to hear them and assumed you just had no idea how I was feeling. The way you talked I actually thought maybe you didn't even see how unhealthy I was. I wanted nothing more than to be like "are you kidding?! Look at me, I haven't left this couch in weeks and I have zero drive" I thought that I was dull and sad. Part of me felt so bad for even asking you to come over that day but damn was it nice to see you again. You made coming back to Calgary easier. How could I have forgotten that my mind is at rest with you?! Since that day you have been with me through all kinds of healing, physically and mentally. Thank you for your support and your love. For being the one I can call about anything and I know it's safe in your arms. I value our friendship and all of the faces it has. I don't even have to speak sometimes because you just know. I thank the universe for you every day because what we have is so beyond surface level. You bring my wandering mind down to Earth again, the perfect grounding to my dreamy way of being. I think it is absolutely incredible that you have seen me through the dark and are here to celebrate my coming back to myself. On my birthday this year, we said it felt huge. and it is, this is my rebirth year and we have been celebrating ever since. I'm not sure what else to say except you are my soulmate and you know how much I love you. Thanks for getting in and out of trouble with me for the past 11 ish years.
To my family,
I know it was hard for you to go from seeing me the way I used to be to seeing me when I came back in the fall as a different person. For the last couple of years we were visiting during holidays and only made small talk on the phone while I was in Van. For the most part it's been up and down and I know that you don't understand very much about what I have been through and there are so many parts to why I felt as sick as I did but regardless of your not understanding, you were still happy to have me around again. Thank you mom, for asking me to come back so many times. For telling me to listen to my doctor and for letting me choose my own journey. We aren't on the same page all the time, we are completely different but I appreciate the way that I have adopted your ability to face the biggest of challenges with an unwavering resilience. Thank you for my aunt Sara and her family for being my second set of parents and supporting me so much. Thank you for watching my YouTube videos, for reading my blog and for loving the art babies that I create. It means absolutely everything to me that you want to see what I do and that you take time to ask about them as well. I love you so so so much. Thank you to my dad who has always been on my team. Thank you for encouraging my creativity from a young age and for answering the biggest life questions that came from a small child. You have always indulged my wild side. There are so many of you, my aunts and uncles, step dad and and and...It would take me six posts to mention you all so know that if you are family you have directly helped me and I am grateful. Love you weirdos!
My lil sis, the most pure human
To my baby sister,
Thank you for the way that you welcomed me here. You acted as though I was still the same as always and are always there to talk to me when I doubt myself. Before moving back I had a lot of fear that you would look at me and think that your big sister was now incapable of laughing and supporting you but that is not the case. I missed you and your sass! Thank you for letting me tell you my secrets and for spilling tea with me. I will always be fiercely protective over you in a way that no one, except maybe a mother could possibly comprehend. Thank you for being the best duet partner and for singing Wicked with me even when you are sick of those songs. Imma stop here because the rest is a little too soft for your heart to handle at once. The Slytherin to my Hufflepuff <3
To my health care team,
I wouldn't have known what to do without you. Not just because your career is to help people with their health and well being, but because all of you are the kindest souls and have handled me with gentle care. You have been there from the beginning (literally my moments of diagnosis) to now. Thank you for my Doctors, I know it is not easy to have me come in, take tests, watch me cry and panic in your office and ask the same questions over and over. You are all so amazing and I appreciate you letting me get real with you and supporting my choice to heal naturally. On top of that, you are a wonderful group of women in your field. Thank you to my Art Therapist, seeing you has healed parts of my heart I didn't even know needed healing. Your energy is contagious and no matter how bad I felt walking into a session, I left with more of myself, more strength and more clarity. Whenever I needed to hear something or felt heavy, I knew you would have the words and help me sort through the most thick of feelings. Thank you for laughing at my jokes and for checking in on me. Thank you to my nutritionist, you took the several health obstacles I was facing all at the same time and provided me with the best of plans to get myself back. You have never told me that any of my things were too big for natural healing and have reassured my mind that my body knows what it needs. I feel that your guidance and faith were/ are essential for my healing process and I am grateful to have connected with you. Thank you for continuing to answer my frantic questions and for inspiring me to take my health into my own hands. You truly have been a huge part of the reasons I started studying holistic nutrition. To my allergist, when I first met you, you scared me. My anxiety was high and I didn't know what to expect. I am glad that you did take my testing seriously and made it as fast and efficient as possible. Thank you for wanting to follow up with me and for the speedy notes and results. I love and respect you all and what you do!!!
Working with you was the best of times!
To my people in Vancouver,
I miss you more than you may think. All of you have played such an important part in my journey. You have seen me at my ugliest times and still not thought me an ugly person. Thank you for the ASAS kids who kept me in the fb group even after I had to withdraw from the program. I got major fomo at times and being in that group, laughing and keeping tabs on what was going on helped ease me out of leaving 22 of my closest friends. We are maybe the most awkward, dysfunctional family ever but hey, there is a lot of love in there. Special shoutout to the ones who picked me up and dropped me off at school during the really hard times. Thank you for every snapchat of you all backstage and at rehearsals, they filled my heart with joy and love. The other Van people, well I am just glad to have friends all over there. Every time one of you messages me or says you are thinking of me, I am flooded with memories. I'll be home soon ;) save . spot for me!!
To my last partner,
Seeing me so sick and down was hard for you. It wasn't easy to know that I had been causing you to be hurt either. For the last chunk of our relationship we were focused on the things happening in our separate worlds (my healing and you going back to work) and less focused on our lives together. Thank you for all the times you helped me with my homework, for being at a lot of medical clinics and lab tests and for doing your best to take care of me. Thank you for knowing when it was time for us to be apart so we could both grow. I'm thankful that we could be friends so quickly and that we are on good terms. We haven't talked in a while now, and that's ok. I am still supportive of your goals and think you are very talented. Thank you for being there and for a lot of good memories.
To my current partner,
We didn't meet until more recently which means you came after the heaviness and storms that were my daily just about a year ago. You were an unexpected force that came seemingly out of the blue however, I think we met at the exact right time. I was not ready for you yet and had a lot of growing pains to experience first. Regardless of the timeline, you have been and are, a crucial part of my healing. You hold the person I am now and remind her how far she's come. I can tell you my secrets, the things that keep me up at night and I know they are safe with you. I tell you the ugly parts of me and then I watch you love me anyways. You have pointed out things from my past that I still have to sort out, things that I am not always aware of, things about me that scare me and then tell me you are ok helping me sort it. Thank you for all of the things you teach me every single day. For being silly with me, laughing at my bad jokes and flirting with me on the daily. Thank you for having faith in me, for believing in my dreams. Thank you for giving me the chance to perform again. I have been so focused on all of my other things and it's going to be amazing to be on a stage again. You're giving me a chance to do something that I am extremely passionate about and at the same time allowing me to try new things with it. I appreciate the gifts you give me, especially the whole thing where you cook for me. I can't describe the amount of joy that brings me. I trust you and you take care of that trust. I have been judging and doubting myself because I'm not working a conventional job and you have been one of the most supportive, understanding and kind voices around me. Thank you for telling me that you think what I do is cool and special. You don't judge me and I appreciate that a lot. I love that you are always one of the first people to like my posts, look at my social media things, and in general cheer me on (I'd call you my biggest fan but Anika would be pissed). You are incredibly kind, smart and patient with me and I am very glad to have such a magnificent human in my world. Loving comes easy to me but being loved is a little harder, you are helping me with that. There are many things I have to thank you for, overall I am grateful that you are my person and I love you.
To all of you, my friends and everyone else,
Thank you for all of the things you do and have done for me. No matter how small it may seem to you, I can assure you that it was much more than that to me. I am deeply appreciative for all of the calls, texts and times you have taken me out. Each one of you is a special gem to me and I am beyond thankful to have so many of you in my life. Thank you for being open arms for me, for every hug and tear. If you're new in this space or any of my other spaces, I appreciate your support and your time. The fact that you are here reading this right now is more than enough. Know that all of you have my love and I hope we see each other soon!
WOW super long one today (sorry? not really) but it was totally necessary! These little notes may be addressed to specific people in my life but they are meant to also stand on their own as a reflection of all the people in your own lives. I think that it is so important to tell people you love them in the moment because they may never know if you put that off or assume they just know. Maybe you can tell them in ways other than words because we are all different and have different ways of expressing our love to people. It's just nice that you express it. This is a post unlike most of my other ones but something I think about often is how many people are involved in one persons journey. Not only in healing but in life. These are the people that have been crucial to mine. I love you, thank you for being here with me.
Love and Light,
Sahara