When I come to write these posts I try to think about the things that have been most relevant that week for me or the people close to me. Often it involves the lessons I have learned and sometimes the ones I relearn. For the majority of the time I am vague enough on here for you to relate it to your own life and your things with more ease. That's what I think in my mind anyways. Lately I have found myself getting more and more specific on here and it's not because I want to make this space a diary or anything like that, it's me trying a new way of connecting with you beautiful people. There was a moment this summer that has been stuck with me because I find it so interesting and I keep thinking about it. I was in the car with my best friend and I said "I wonder what it's like to meet me for the first time and then find out who I am" and she answered with "You are one of the most consistent people I know. It's really refreshing to meet you because you are actually open with your feelings" and as we kept talking I found out that I'm an open book when asked and that a lot of people don't show their emotions so easily. Damn that was a nice moment. I was so stoked that meeting me for the first time feels like that. There are times when I have felt like a chameleon in the way that I pick and choose what part of me will show to who and when and since letting go of that need to control who really sees me and who gets to guess I have for sure felt that I am consistently myself with everyone these days. It's a hard one because I had to train myself out of it. Skip forward to me sitting down to write today. I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about (yes I did. I was avoiding it). This week my theme has been honesty and openness. All the little things I have been finding difficult have been centred around these two. My partner suggested I write about them and instead of being totally sold on it, I laughed a little and thought "how fitting". Big resistance right there! Writing about that meant I had to be vulnerable about being vulnerable and definitely had to dig in deep. I know, usually that isn't a problem, it became a bump in the road for me today though. Here I am, writing about them anyways because growth am I right?!
I don't know what other way to talk about this other than putting it all out there and hoping for the best so, I'll do that. I'm finding it hard to communicate certain things in my relationship these days. While I am honest and open in all my relationships, I have been acting different in my romantic one. I don't lie to my partner and when I do they know because I'm not good at it. I have a transparent face for a lot of people and I don't like to lie in general so they always know. To be clear I am not hiding a bunch of terrible things from them, still doesn't make it ok though. For me, I felt like it wasn't a big deal. If I felt off about something or was upset and they asked what was wrong I'd just say "nothing" or that it was ok. I didn't know that was a problem. I figured that if the situation or feeling wasn't a huge thing or I already moved on from it then why would I bring it up? I don't want to fight about something I'm not holding on to. Then my partner expressed that they would rather me say what goes on in my head regardless of how small I might think it is. At first I was a bit confused that I had been holding those things back because I have been known with previous partners to be overly communicative and it was annoying. I was also used to those little expressions getting blown way up. Which is just not my style. I like to say what I feel, talk it out and then let it go. Grudges and unresolved feelings make me feel sick and build resentment, I don't need to carry those things with me. I wasn't sure why I was acting like that but I've been trying to get better at just saying how I feel without prefacing it with "nothing is wrong" or "I don't know", somehow I feel like I have gone back to an old habit that I have to rework. It feels gross. Kind of like I'm devolving. That isn't what is true though. I am just still repairing that stuff and that's ok.
Wave two of this wake up was different and the same. It was me not talking about some ideas that I have for future projects and things I want to do. In my head it seemed normal that I didn't want to talk about them because they weren't fully thought out. I had assumed that my partner wouldn't be able to understand or wouldn't want to hear about my ideas. Who wants to hear about a seed of a plan? I was wrong to decide what was worth their time and what they do and do not want to hear. That's their choice but my insecurities crept in and told me that it was best to leave myself out. Logically I know they are supportive of all of my projects and like hearing about them. I wasn't acting from that state though, I was acting from a place of unconsciously remembering my past. I was acting with a guarded heart and the idea that I can spare other people the details of my inner mind. I went back to the want to filter things for specific people and that isn't who I am. I am trying to figure out why I wouldn't want to share things with someone who is literally one of the best friends in my life. In my heart I know that I did it because I was on default. I have to constantly bring myself to the present with my relationships. If I don't I fall into my old habits. Old habits that I developed to protect me. I haven't always had the most amazing experiences with people I get involved with and that means I have tailored my protection mechanisms from person to person. Everyone is different and the brand of hurt people cause is different too. I wanted to be smart in these situations so I formed whatever armour I thought I needed. The people changed, the tactics changed and each time I thought I had dropped the previous tool kit. I don't think I did. While I let go of a lot of that crap (I don't even carry a tool kit or worry about building another one anymore) I am still left with the impact of those relationships. Time, work and the constant reminder that I'm not even that person anymore are keeping me from living my present as though I am in my past. I am so grateful to have the motivation to heal myself and bring my heart back to it's natural state of unconditional love. I am always loving and that is a gift. It hurts my partner and it hurts me when I fly on autopilot. I felt uncomfortable and instead of mindfully choosing an action, I let my default settings decide. I am well aware that my current partner is not my past, sometimes I can forget. There really is no excuse for me to do these things, instead I want to focus on understanding how to change and get better. I want to let these habits go in order to be happy in myself and in turn being a better partner.
Will it get better in a day? Maybe, maybe not. All I can do is keep trying and catching myself when I want to do it. I have been swimming in the "why?" of this today and that's ok but the important thing is that I let myself move forward knowing that I am a loving heart at my core and in order to be that refreshing, open, dreamer, I have to act from my light as though I am new every time. This is a good time for me to practice not beating myself up for things too. I may have chosen my relationships, my coping methods, my behaviour and I may have attracted those people, though, I know that I did not and could not control them. I still feel upset that I hurt someone and that's natural. I want to take that and use it to be mindful. I actually find it a little amusing sometimes that I sometimes think I am still that version of myself and act like her in a totally different time of my life. That part of me is out of place here and that's how I know I've grown. I have come so incredibly far from being that hurting person to being this healing person and I am always thankful for my growth.
Thanks for all of your love and understanding. I love you people!
Love and Light,