How are you? No. Like actually, how are you?!!! Are you feeling overwhelmed or scared? Is the pot of chaos being stirred for you? I know mine is!! Earlier this week I went on a two day camping trip with my partner to the BEAUTIFUL Castle Falls Provincial Park. A couple days before I was running on anxiety mode. I was worried about packing, the weather, cleaning, getting everything in order so that our trip was a smooth ride. I had moments of excitement and moments of crying on the kitchen floor. It was a time! As soon as we hit the road I felt relieved. I had planned as much as I could, I was finished making sure we didn't forget anything and being in the car made me excited for our adventure. My attention to every tiny detail paid off quite a bit because everything was amazing. We had great food, lots of fun and learned so much about ourselves and each other. There were so many moments of pure bliss that I could live in forever. Everything from the powerful energy of the waterfalls to the presence and love of my partner made my heart sing and cry on the same note. On a recent blog post I wrote about "freeing myself" and I could hear that part of me knocking on my heart often these last few days saying " this. This is everything. This is you and who your wild soul longs to be". That part of me was taking over and I felt a radical shift in how I am growing and how I am coming back home to myself.
The trip was incredible and I am so blessed to have had that experience. Then something else hit me on my way home. We were talking about our move to Vancouver ( if you've been here a while you know I moved from Calgary to Vancouver and about two years ago moved back to Calgary), and I felt a fear that was familiar but hasn't been around for a while. I started to think of all the things I have gone to school for and not finished, all the money I've spent on those experiences and the feeling that I have somehow failed and don't have anything happening for me and my future. Dark isn't it? It felt heavy and scary like I had just woken up from a dream and the logic and reality of things were starting to creep their way into the dream world I have been painting for a while now. It took a lot of courage for me to apply to a music program. I was debating between social work and music, both things I am passionate about but when I got real with myself I knew that the only answer was the bold one. The one I was terrified of but even more afraid of NOT doing. I chose music. After I made that choice I decided that I HAD to start believing in myself because a) I know how the Universe works and I know that in order to manifest I have to act like I have what I want and b) I stand in my own way often. So I just went on my way believing as much as I could, adding more colour and detail to my dream whenever I thought about music. Nothing about that is easy. Telling myself that I am special and can be part of that small fraction of people who make money creating music and doing what they love every day is no easy climb but I tried anyways. When I couldn't believe, I looked to my friends and support system to help me out. There I was painting the dream picture, stumbling a little but mostly floating along and boom. That wake up feeling I described as heavy and scary happened. I cried my eyes out and I cried hard. "What on this planet do I think I am doing?!!!!" is the only thing that rang in my head. Not one of my programs in university has been finished. I have tried what I feel like is almost all of the possible outcomes as a career for me and so far the only things I have left are both my online business (which I love so deeply) and music which is something that brings so much joy to my being.
So, yes. I am afraid. I have been shaking and tossing and turning trying to either ignore the mind mess I have right now or alternatively trying to sort it out. I don't want to let this dream die. No freaking way! I also don't want to keep aimlessly trying to figure out what it is that I can contribute to the world or wondering if I fit anywhere. I AM A WATER SIGN DANGIT. On top of that I'm also very sensitive to energy so this is taking me for a ride. I feel lost even though I have my next step. I feel worried that this won't work out, even though I know I always bounce back. I feel confused because I am two different people, one of whom is a big dreamer who connects to a higher power and the other that likes to think the shit out of everything because she feels better that way. I'm working on that balance always. I also realized that there was a full moon yesterday when all of this started going down so wow. Yes, I hear you cosmic energies. This full moon is one that is meant to bring things up that are in our best interest to release. Once I read a little bit about that, I felt better. I'm not saying that I am going to blame this on the planets and the moon completely but I see what is happening here with more clarity than I could in the heat of the moment.
This is the time where I have to make another choice. The choice to leave everything comfortable in order for me to leap forward. The choice to decide what I am leaving behind in this next chapter of my life and I am praying that once again, like so many times before, I learn to trust and let go.
I hope that I choose music. I hope that I sing so loud with passion that they can't ignore me. I hope that the rebel in me comes back when I need her to say "eff it! do it anyway!!!" the most, the way she always does when I have a scary big, bold dream.
Truthfully, when I look into my core, I know that I have already made that choice. I know I am all of these things and more. I can stumble and fall and, when I need to, I will get back up again and try. If it is knocking on your heart's door, begging for attention, then your dream is FOR you. You wouldn't dream of it otherwise. "If your dreams don't scare you, they're not big enough" said by Ellen Johnson Sirleaf I believe. Now as I sit here feeling my mess, I come back to relearning old things.
I choose music. I choose to sing so loud with passion that they can't ignore me. That rebel lives inside me and I hear her in my head and in the voices of the people who believe in me.
If this resonates with you, tell me what you are leaving behind and where you are going.
Love and Light,