Hi beautiful humans!
What a wonderful week it has been! Tuesday was a lovely first day of spring and this week has also marked the start to the astrological new year! My time has been spent preparing for this transition and getting ready to bloom, I feel that this is truly my year and I am so excited to step into that with all of the hard work of the year before. I have been cleaning, painting and redoing my room which is coming along great and turning into the sanctuary I deserve.
As I shed this past year, I think it's important to acknowledge certain parts of it as I go along. One of those parts is having what is called an "invisible" illness. This largely refers to mental health but for me it summed up my physical health as well. About a year ago I had a stomach ulcer diagnosis due to my anxiety levels. If you looked at me you wouldn't be able to tell that I was going through so much. Sure I looked tired but it was mostly assumed that it was because of school. Truthfully I was at one of the lowest points I have been in.
Photo: @fotobarnstudio
Somehow when you tell people that you aren't well and they can't see it, they don't always understand. Of course we have such a large stigma surrounding mental health on this concept alone but I feel it necessary to share what it's like from the inside.
It feels like people do not believe you
Sometimes it felt like people brushed off what I said. My theory is that they truly do not understand what I am talking about so they don't know how to react. Most of the time I would not go into detail and I found that the less I said the more people let it fly over their heads. It is kind of sad that some loved ones might not take it seriously. I will always keep trying BUT only with those who I feel really need to know, everyone else I let go.
It feels like everyone thinks they know more about you than yourself
I am sure soooo many people have encountered this. Invisible or not, when you tell people about your health there are those folks who think they are doctors. I know it's out of wanting to help but damn. Trust me, I have a wonderful team of health care professionals who are helping me to the best of their abilities. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate honest, genuine advice and love trying new things but if you are just pushing random facts that you read on a Facebook post one time three years ago to make it seem like you are an expert, please no. It isn't that I don't want to hear you out (for the most part I listen to try and understand where they are coming from), it's usually the fact that 10000 other people in my life are fact pushing on me as well which gets really overwhelming. At the very core, I know the details of these things.
It feels like being on defense A l l t h e t i m e
I have let go a lot of my need to be defensive 24/7 but it was hard in the beginning. I felt like for as many questions people had, there was just as much judgement. Because no one saw that I was sick, it seemed like an invalid reason to not attend classes, to skip going out, to lay in bed all day. I always had the sense that people were thinking "why isn't she working? That's so lazy", " She is trying to ditch us" etc. Those were really unhealthy thoughts for me and whether or not they were true, I learned that for the most part, I was the one making them up in my head. I know now that I do not need to explain things to anyone, my true friends and loved ones will try to understand and I owe nothing to anyone.
And the thing it feels like the most, is lonely
After missing birthdays, school, work, and anything to do with going out to eat, I felt so isolated. I wasn't able to see people as much and it turned into me feeling even more down. I cannot tell you enough how important it is to reach out to the people you love during these times. If you are the one feeling lonely, call your friends, FaceTime them during their breaks, let them come over to help you out and if you are a loved one or friend of someone feeling this way, tell them you love them, offer to do small things with them, read them a book, and please keep inviting them. It means so much to feel remembered.
This journey is not an easy one but as someone who is healing truly and deeply I encourage you to keep on walking and step by step you will see the most wonderful results! Healing doesn't have to be boring and it does not have to suck, building your mindset is everything babes.
Thank you so much for taking time to read today! I am amping up my email game this year so please take a second to subscribe. I do not spam but I do like to let you know when new and exciting things are happening.
Love and Light,
Sahara