Hi beautiful human,
This post is actually being taken from a journal entry I wrote the other day. It's a little different but I felt that it was something really important to share. I know everyone has a different idea of their own body image and I am no different. Yes, I practice self love, yes, I love my body and yes, I think it's incredible but I am not perfect. There are times when I slip into a weird state and see myself as less than and that's ok because I practice these things so that I am better able to handle the harder days. This is a vulnerable place for me but I feel many will be able to relate.
This is what I looked like 5 years ago at the Miss Canada Globe Pageant in Toronto
"Today I did a blogilates ab workout that I am proud of but the reason I did it was not as aligned. I have been talking about my body in terms of appearance recently and for whatever reason the way I saw myself in the mirror has been changing. I am filling out my jeans a lot more (some don't even fit) and I am noticing that I am less bony. These things are all very positive because of what I looked like when I first got here and for the most part I have been doing extremely well with body confidence. Today I felt this need to gain muscle, to look how I want to look, to be sexy and all of that. That's why I did the ab workout and looking back and also for future movement choices, I want to continue to choose based on how I am feeling, not how I look. My body has changed from muscular and toned, to not toned, to lean, to skinny and now it is coming to this neutral place that I don't seem to remember. I thought I would dislike the word "neutral" for it but actually it fits me good. My body is exactly what it wants to be- HEALTHY! <3 That has been my goal hasn't it? Yes!! So while I was thrown off by this and upset that I was being unkind to myself, I want to say I am very proud of my body. It has carried me through battle, loved me, worked harder than I even imagine, it is my home, it holds so many beautiful qualities and right now I am going to love it<333I LOVE IT! I don't care about the abs, legs, butt, of the past. What about what I am rocking right now?! I am sorry body for being critical earlier beause you are sexy and perfect always<3 The shape you hold and the space you own is strong and amazing.I will always love you! Sheesh I had a moment there! I don't need any excuses for the way I look because what if this is how I want to look?! No one can make me feel like less based on this. I am perfect. I just decided that I love all of me as a whole<3333"
It started with me feeling really disappointed. I was disappointed that I somewhere forgot my confidence during that time and that hurt more than the actually negative thoughts themselves. My self esteem has come a long way! As I mentioned, I have gone through many different versions of myself and after being unhealthily small, gaining good weight felt good but it took a bit to process. Especially when a lot of comments in the beginning were "oh you are too small" and often people who didn't know about my eating habits would say "wow I wish I was as skinny as you". That one really cut me up because I felt SO unattractive and unwell at that time but this person was trying to compliment me. Little did they know they were complimenting a type of eating problem. I am sure you can see how getting these comments would contribute to some challenges once I started seeing the weight come back. Overall I am really happy with myself. The thing about the way I was feeling about the other day is that I didn't want to be small again but I wanted my muscular and toned body back. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be muscular again but I want to make sure that as I go forward my workouts are for fun, love of my body and not because I have a certain end goal. Honestly the more I say neutral the more I love it. Now that a day has passed I am able to see that I have a wonderful body.
All bodies are so beautiful! I hope that this resonated well with you and that you know even the people who have the most body positive outlook, can have those moments too. We is human. We understand. I love you so very much.
I would love to hear all about your body love and body image views!! Keep me posted on Instagram and FB loves!
Love and Light,