Hi there friend,
This one is kind of loaded for me. Very recently I have been taking a lot of leaps of faith into things that excite me but freak me out. As I have said so many times, I put off projects and chasing things because of my fear. Usually it's not so much a fear of failure but a fear of success. Talk about pressure and nerves!!!! This not only happens in my work life but translates into things like my personal life and it is loud! For the last couple of months I have been working really hard on this and just taking messy action instead of thinking too hard about it. When I let my fears push me off the cliff and go for things I get pushed way out of my comfort zone but I am proud of myself because I went all in. These are the projects that I commit to so that I can prove to myself I am capable of anything.
One example of this is with the podcast!!!! I think it's so much fun but I get nervous that I don't sound right or I talk too slowly etc. What's cool about that is the fact that I have a cohost and that keeps me accountable and makes me commit to showing up not just for him but for myself. Each week I get all in my head about it and then once we start to record, it feels good. We flow very naturally with each other and I'm comfortable talking with him thank goodness!! My other things are totally different because for the most part they are solo adventures which means committing to myself. This is where it turns into a circle of thoughts like " I want to do this-jk I don't know what my life is about-I got this-ha ha ha panic" it's a time. All my closest people have been hearing me do this so much lately. I know it's because I am in a place of ultimate creative energy and so so much happiness that I only want to do my very best in everything.
A big one that has me up and down is so incredibly close to my heart that I get way caught up in not being good enough. I'm talking about my abilities as an energy healer. I know, you probably had no idea I could even do that but I can and it is one of the most beautiful gifts I could have possibly been given. You didn't know about it until now because I haven't even started owning up to it completely but I am getting there. I am good at it and the people who I have read/helped have nothing but wonderful things to say. So why am I holding back? I have what is called "impostor syndrome" I keep thinking "who am I to be doing this? I'm not credited. I am not a monk and I am too new" which makes me feel guilty about charging for my services. Seriously, I want to give and give and give and give because I am uncomfortable with receiving. It's true. I have a tough time asking for help (even though I totally tell others it's important), with getting praise and all of that. This can be pretty damaging though. I am spending all of my energy without allowing energy to come back to me and that is blocking the flow. I am blocking the natural cycle of give and receive!!!!
It runs deep too. Deeply into my relationships with others. Sometimes I don't know how to accept the credit from my friends and they totally love me and want me to do well! Romantically I have felt drained in the past for loving so hard and not getting that back and I didn't care. I was aware that I was giving my all and they were half in. The whole time I would say it was ok because I can't force anyone to love me and I can't force people to want to give. Honestly it didn't even bother me that I would spend my whole day catering to them until after and my friends would point it out. You can imagine my surprise when I started seeing someone who gave back to me just as much. It definitely caught me off guard but then I realized how nice it is to be given something without asking. WITHOUT ASKING?!!! what. After thinking about this idea of me not feeling worthy of receiving I saw that it has been lurking around for a while.
Naturally this means I am going to pull up my big girl watermelon undies and get to work. I am going to practice receiving things. Love, money, compliments, gifts, you name it, I will receive it and I will take it with grace and ease. I deserve these things and I feel that it is such an important cycle to keep in the flow. For the next while I am going to really put myself out there with my services as an energy healer, I am going to let people offer me things and accept it and I will of course continue to give but with more awareness on protecting my energy. I really wanted you all to know that I may be wise but I am also human. I have things to work on too and it's my pleasure to do the work and report back to you beautiful people!
Here's to being afraid and doing it anyways!!!!
I seriously love you all, thank you for being in my world and for all your support. Every message, comment, tag and like fills my soul.
Love and Light,