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Being Afraid and Doing it Anyway: The Story of an Anxious Artist

Hello Sweet thang,

That was weird wasn't it? It's fine. This just so happens to be the underlying theme of SO many of the projects and things I've done. You can actually see that all the posts where I am talking about having a new creative baby have this sense of excited panic to them. Usually they start with something like "ahhhhhhhhhh I am so afraid because I love this thing a lot but I'm scared no one will love it because no one will love it the way I do because it's mine. Here's the link.". After that I just kind of leave it in the atmosphere and don't talk about it in my life off of the interwebs. Yes. I sometimes create things and then run away after they're born leaving them without a parent. What's really interesting though is that I continuously create things. I still wake up on audition days, feel terrified, but go in and work my butt off. There was a point in time where I would hold back and not follow through at all because I thought I would be taking the role away from someone else. What?! That's a true story. I decided not to audition for a role I wanted really badly because I felt guilty for trying. Talk about some deeply rooted stuff!! After feeling the sting and sadness of not doing the things I am passionate about I have since learned to take the leap more often. Honestly, it is a far more rewarding thing to go for whatever it is that I want.

Pageant Days

One of my fave pageant sisters

The practice is becoming less about "doing it right" and more about doing it.period. Going all in and getting messy. This is the real art. The process of creating is such a raw thing! My first encounter with this was the Miss Canada Globe Pageant I ran in. As I flipped through the pictures of previous titleholders I saw a lot of similarities between them. All of them were what most of western society would deem gorgeous, successful, and just all around beautiful. I was a little different to say the least. I spent more time outside and less time in malls, I didn't use fad diets or teeth whitening gel or freak out when my hair came undone and that instantly separated me from them. During my phone interview I was rambling and not sure if this was something I wanted to do. When I got accepted I took a day to decide if I wanted to do it or not. It took the whole day but I was determined to bring my everything and go through with it. The pageant turned out to be a super impactful learning experience for me! I was the princess walking down the runway in sweatpants for the freestyle catwalk and I loved it.

Gender Bender

This one time, I sang at Gender Bender held at MRU. Good duet. Much sweat.

I truly believe that my most successful projects (and pretty much any relationship in my life. More on the podcast about this.) has been the result of being vulnerable. In the acting program you get to this point where you realize that the only way to look authentic is to BE authentic in what you're feeling. Sure we memorized other words, blocking and wore clothes that were not ours but the key was to open up and be vulnerable far beyond what is comfortable for most people. The result is always a richer production. Of course when we first got there we all had our limits as to how much of ourselves we would allow to show up in class because there is this weird fear in human beings of being "too exposed or too much". I have that fear too sometimes but really there was no room for it there. Very quickly we were sharing our personal lives, our wildest dreams and deepest fears with each other and that is when we made the best connections. Those connections translated on stages and behind cameras because we let our audience and fellow actors in and at the same time learned to listen instead of just hear what they were saying. This is the ugly part of being a creator. I mean in truth it's so precious and beautiful but it doesn't always feel good. If you've ever had a "dark night of the soul" before a show or while working on a project, this is one of the feelings that sneaks in during that time. What I love about it is that yes it's scary to open up to that part of yourself but in my eyes it's necessary. I have always thought that art was a raw expression of the human soul. Not some fluffy surface level froth. This is where you find the core of your entire project and more often than not where the project connects to your heart.

Alright so it's essential to most things but it's scary as eff! I get it! Most of my things instill lots of fear in me. I used to make people fill in my name for audition slots so I felt "forced" to go!! I have had people film/photograph me when I didn't notice, do paperwork for me, sign me up for things etc. All because if someone else voluntold me it meant that I was locked in and held accountable. In the more recent years I have done more of these things myself because I realized the value of showing up!! When I commit, I am all in and will work my butt off until it's perfect and still freak. Again, not about perfection, just do the thing!!! Taking the leap on my projects has been the most rewarding gift I could have ever gotten. This blog was created around vulnerability, fear and deciding that the product was well worth the fear. Now I share my posts because I've gone through the icky growing pains. The Sunspot has turned into a place where I get to connect with YOU! Because I am willing to let my heart come out here I get to see messages from people (my own dad included!) talking about the words they needed and I don't ever get sick of that. This in no way means I don't feel the fear anymore. Actually, I still get nervous onstage/on set and of course with my other babies but now more often , usually in the middle of a giant freak out, I come to this place that yells in my head "Eff it. I'm just going to do it" and I have definitely said it out loud. Like really loud. In public. It's uncomfortable but I live in that space because that's how I grow as a creator. And alas, in a moment of sheer panic and terror I commit to things.

Maybe this isn't the most glamorous of things but it's what happens around here! I'm learning to commit to my work and more importantly show up for myself!!!!!! You are the creator, no one on this Earth will love your work the way you love it. That's why I call them my babies. But you don't need them to. If you follow the passion and your intuition then you are doing great! I have done three scary things today already and it has me fired up. Sweaty. Ready to own it! So, some words I need to hear are: "Share your gifts, the world doesn't benefit if you keep them a secret", "Be scared.Do it anyways", "Get messy", "Stop sleeping on yourself"!!!! I hope those are what you need as well.

gender bender

They said it was good but I just remember talking to the people in drag and then all of a sudden I was onstage

I would love love loveee to see what you're doing, what you are creating and how you tell the voice of fear to "STUFF IT" so keep me posted and as per usual, I am in love with your Instagram stuff. It seriously is everything <3

Love and Light,


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