Hi Humans,
Over the last month and even further back this has been a reoccurring topic in my life and the lives of those close to me. It's something that I have come back to quite a bit as well. It was no coincidence that I went from having a huge social circle, saying yes to every single invite to only seeing 2-4 people consistently, that was a choice that I made somewhere down the road. Did not see that coming. I'm not entirely sure that it was a conscious choice the whole time but you know, it was meant to happen. What it shows is that I weeded out many people for various reasons but essentially I found that they no longer served me. They fulfilled their purpose in my life and it was time to move on. Now, that sounds like it was light and easy to do but don't let the sound disguise the effort, energy, grief and ugliness that accompanied the process. The way I'd describe it would be much like breaking up with someone. Sometimes all parties know that it's the best decision and then sometimes we sit on our bedroom floors crying into a box of mediocre pizza and dipping pretzels into ice cream pints. Ugly right?
Fact: I used to think Fresh Slice was the best thing of life
Alright, it's not like I woke up one day, realized all of the people that didn't fit my life and cut them alllll out at the same time. Finding myself in these situations usually starts with me meeting a new person, and after some time ( read: a lot of time) feeling off about them then flopping back and forth and then deciding they aren't for me. I want to talk about the middle section of this sandwich. The part where I feel off and question things. The awareness part. Letting someone go can be hard if you don't even check or look at your relationships with people and in some cases you know right away that things aren't right anymore. Maybe they are family, your parents are best friends, they helped you during a rough time, you live together etc. Layers. So many of these things can come together and then you feel stuck. You do not owe anyone a relationship! It's not mean to not want someone in your life anymore, in fact it's more beneficial to all people involved. I get that things can be sticky. Keeping a negative person around is not the answer though and your time and energy are so valuable. Layers.
Digging more into this, I like to think of it in the way that the relationship has reached it's expiry date. This is helpful because it provides the space to look at the situation and think "Ok I wouldn't keep expired milk in the fridge and continuously take it out, smell it, maybe taste it a bit and hope that it'll be fresh the next day" Unless you do that. Clean your fridge and maybe don't do that anymore. For so many health reasons. It is more than ok to have relationships with people that aren't meant to last for longer than any given amount of time, be it years or minutes. I find that this idea helps with the sticky layers and can really validate my feelings about a person.
When you are letting someone go, more often than not that means there is going to be a conversation about it. If that had you running for a panic button faster than me running towards ice cream then this is for you. I don't particularly enjoy this kind of confrontation and my initial reaction is avoidance to the max. If I keep saying I'm busy and never see them it's almost the same effect right? Wrong. I know it has to happen and you know it too. Truthfully there is no way to prepare for this situation no matter how many times you run through it in your head. You will not be able to control how they receive it. The good news is you can control how you deliver your words. The most effective way to go about this, in my experience, is to be kind and to the point. None of that blame game or harsh words necessary. For example saying " I need to do what's best for myself and I feel like it's unhealthy for us to be friends" Not that all boundaries and will be identical to that but you can tailor it to the situation. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want! You don't have to settle for anything less than that. I think it is so important to make your personal needs a priority with this stuff. It can be a lot to hold onto on a daily basis and definitely weighs down. I've definitely repeated similar things on other posts but I really do believe that time and energy are precious and are better spent on things that bring joy. This essentially means that once you know what you want, go for it. It might not be the forest fire of situations you have worked out in your head but you won't know until you get there. I want to talk about this back end of the sandwich because it can be the hardest part. As someone who has sat in unhealthy relationship limbo many times, I can say that one of the best feelings is standing up for yourself. Letting the negative energy stay can lead to resentment and a bigger mess than it could be. In the end ending or restating your relationship with this person is going to make you happy so why would you put a hold on that? Sitting in a space where you feel unwell or heavy because of them is not a healthy place to be. You are much braver and more capable than you think!
In no way am I the best at this and I think it's important to say that. I have stayed in relationships for years knowing they weren't good for me. YEARS. That's a lot of time! Even with the most recent ties I have let go of have been obstacles in their own ways. That's just how we learn though and it's ok. Whatever place you may be in or situation, I totally support your process and want you to know that. You're all so important to me! On that note I'd like to leave these here:
5 Tips for Letting Someone go
1. Trust your feelings
Your instinct is probably more right than you think. Validate yourself and trust that you are the one who knows what's in your best interest.
2. Listen!
Listen to your body language, the way you feel before and after interacting with this person and stay in tune with that. I don't always recommend having other people's opinions weigh in on your own but if someone you love points out a behavior or a pattern and is concerned for your well-being then tune into that too.
3. There is no "right" time
If we waited until the planets aligned, our periods to be gone, for the perfect outfit, we wouldn't get anything done. Don't get me wrong, I do not suggest having these talks go down while the other person is on the toilet but hey, I don't control you.
4. Kind Confidence
When I go in for these things I am getting a pep talk from someone who supports and loves me and then I dance around talking to myself and affirming that I can do it. You are worth it and you have all the courage you need!!! I think this is a good time to say that if you feel unsafe it is more than ok to have someone around physically or on speed dial in order to ensure your safety. That comes before anything else.
5. Let go With Love
This is one of the most important things I have learned and has changed everything for me. Speaking badly about other people and using harsh words is so unnecessary, even if you've been hurt. Going in with the intention of holding peace is the difference between "letting someone go" and "cutting them out". When it is time for you to end a relationship of any kind, knowing that you can still care about them or wish them well on their life's journey without needing to go with them is huge. Practicing this has allowed me to acknowledge that things were not always negative and that I have shared some good moments with the people I've broken up with. It's given my heart more love and less resentment, which is good for your soul
Well that is that!! Like I said before, I am here for you and anything you may be going through. I love messages and helping you in the best way that I can!!
Love and Light,
Sahara